. . . zzz . . . Huh? Wha? Oh. Dr. Lecter; right. Where’s the Mute button? Aah. . . . There appears to be a standing ovation of some sort. If only I hadn’t pressed Mute. . . .

Best Director, Motion Picture
Please not Woody Allen! Where did Peter Jackson go? He so skinny! The Constant Gardener would be nice, but he’s definitely the underdog.
Winner: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain. Maybe I should just give in now and predict they’re winning all their categories. Even though Heath Ledger didn’t open his mouth once for either Jake Gyllenhaal’s sweet, sweet tongue or to enunciate his lines, I’m still gonna predict he wins! Dammit! 6 for 18.

Best Actor, Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
Heath Ledger, goddammit! Oh. Well, Joaquin Phoenix then.
Winner: Yay! He looks a little shell-shocked. It’s hard to be the Designated Driver, babe, but stick with it! 7 for 19.

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
Third time’s a charm: Walk the Line.
Winner: Walk the Line. Now I’m gettin’ it! 8 for 20. I’m almost at 50%!

Best TV Series, Drama
PleasebeRome, pleasebeRome, pleasedon’tbeLost. Pul-eese!
Winner: What was I just SAYING?!?!??! Fucking Lost. If there weren’t those hotties from Oz on this show, I’d throw this laptop outthewindowrightnow!!!!! 8 for 21.

Best Actress, Motion Picture, Drama
Aaw, I love Gwyn so much. Kick ass, girl!
Winner: Felicity Huffman. Like, duh! 8 for 22.

Best Actor, Motion Picture, Drama
Heath, goddammit. Good lord, this is a tough category. Terrence Howard was great in Hustle & Flow. But Heath. Heath!
Winner: Or, you know, Philip Seymour Hoffman, whatever. 8 for 23

And here we go. . . .

Best Motion Picture, Drama
Brokeback Mountain, even though it wasn’t really the best picture. It was good; better than most films (take, for example, Deuce Bigalo, European Gigilo), but I can’t say it’s the best.
Winner: But who am I to say? Could have been worse. It could have been Lost. 9 for 24. 37.5%—that sounds about right.