I’m watching my first soccer game. It’s Music Club tonight and Tim and Alan are heading out to Lal’s after the game, so I figure I may as well see what all the fuss is about. I turn on the TV and the first thing I see is Tim and Alan in a zoom-in on the crowd. (As I keep watching and realize that the swaths of red in the audience are empty seats, I can understand why they panned in on the crazy fanatic section.)

Here are my thoughts, uncensored:

• I must say that it’s pretty funny to hear the English commentator say “soccer.” He kinda chokes on it a bit.
  
  
• The refs look like they must get quite a workout. Unlike the umps in baseball (the only sport I watch), they’re actually fit! I like the ref’s short-shorts. Very cute! They make his knees look extra nobby.
  
  
• I wonder, did soccer players not get the memo that long hair went out in 1997, or are they cutting-edge on the new long-hair trend?
  
  
• It looks like it will rain. Do they play in the rain or are their cleats lightning magnets?
  
  
• How do the Real Salt Lake players celebrate when they’re playing at home if it’s a dry state?
  
  
• Soccer players are kinda pusses, aren’t they? Just lay on the grass, writhing and whining until the ref gives out a yellow card? How unmanly!
  
  
• Oh, it turns out Utah is not a dry state. Scratch that comment.
  
  
• I wonder if TFC’s choice to wear red shirts was a bad idea. (“He’s dead, Jim.”)
  
  
• The Canadian broadcaster just called it “football.” That must irk the English guy to no end.
  
  
• Do they take commercials?
  
  
• The commentators are now determining that Toronto FC is about three games away from matching a U.K. record for number of hours played without a goal. Alan must be so proud.
  
  
• Ooh! Tussle!
  
  
• Red card for RSL. That’s a pisser. Now let’s see if TFC can score with a one-man advantage.
  
  
• If you’re up a man, shouldn’t you be able to keep the ball on the opponent’s half of the field for more than 40 seconds at a time? One would think, right?
  
  
• The goal is on the ground, TFC; not 45 feet in the air.
  
  
• Hey! They don’t stop the clock when they’re setting stuff up? Or is that what this two minutes added time is?
  
  
• Half time! Nil-nil! (See, I’m getting the lingo down already!)

So far I have to say this is not as boring as I thought. It’s been an hour but it really doesn’t feel like it. I like that they have a 20-minute break at half time as it gave me time to have a shower and order some food. Probably like at the stadium! Minus the shower!

• Someone on RSL was hurt and needed medical attention and then was fine! What’s up with that? Either you’re hurt or you’re not; stop wasting everyone’s time.
  
  
• Was that a goal?!? Oh, no. Never mind.
  
  
• No, no, fellas. The goal is the thing that guy is protecting, not the wide open space surrounding it.
  
  
• The commentator has to stop saying things like: “This surely is the goal!” It’s just embarrassing after a while.
  
  
• Update: 800 minutes without a goal.
  
  
• Is the TFC coach a ginger? Hee!
  
  
• What the fuck? The guy has a cramp and we all stand around? Putz.
  
  
• Toronto 22 shots at goal, Salt Lake 5. Man, RSL can’t give this game away.
  
  
• Now they’re comparing MLS to the CFL, suggesting that there will at least be a goal in the Argos/Lions game. Hah!
  
  
• Oh YEAH! YEAH! OH YEAH! My pizza’s here!
  
  
• Four minutes left. Let’s see if they can do it! (They can’t.)

And there’s the game. Wow. It must be depressing being a Toronto FC fan.